i've always wondered where to begin this story, but i guess there are no real start and end points because life is just a constant flow of events and we as those experiencing it are always in the process of becoming. but i guess the intention behind sharing this is to share wtf happened to me this whole time and why i went missing. while there is no one truth to any situation, this is authentic as it gets from my point of view and what my genuine account is of everything that unfolded during these eventful years.
i was always enamoured by the bizarre, things that were not mainstream, and extremes. it was never in a bid to stand out, rather during my adolescent years i often wished i weren't this way because it created misalignment with my (very straight-edge) family and thus lots of clashes. as with most teenagers, i also sought acceptance and social validation, yet i was unwilling to budge or compromise my identity because this was the only way i knew how to be. and after all, i believe wearing a mask would only draw into your environment what it attracts-- definitely not what your true needs or wants are. at the end of the day, the one being deceived the most is yourself.
for as long as i could remember, i have always been a deathly curious soul, especially about odd or unorthodox things; there was just something about pulling apart seemingly pristine curtains and finding something so fucked up underneath and then finally understanding it. 'why? when? how? oh! it's actually this way, i get it now! i didn't think of things this way before!' i loved being exposed to new thought patterns, different ways of seeing circumstances, and generally acquiring knowledge. the more intense and stranger the better. which i guess also contributes to my cool and unfazed demeanour because rather than judging something, i am more naturally inclined to try comprehending it.
when i was 17, i discovered what LSD was. Immediately i was consumed by a fiery desire to experience how it felt like to be on a psychedelic trip, fuelled by the documentaries i watched about it and the analogies shared by people who had encountered this mystical substance. as i came from a very privileged and conservative background, went to elite schools and such, i had close to zero means of acquiring this until months later. i was hanging out with a bunch of friends' friends who were private school kids and they had a plug. this same guy also happened to have a brick of weed on him so i just bought it since i might as well right, lol.
i'm not about to expound on the insights or places my mind was transported to in this post because that's a whole other (very lengthy) topic altogether but i never saw reality the same way again. i became even more intrigued by everything and nothing was ever surface for me any more. however, i also became a huge pothead and that eventually led to me learning that i was extremely hedonistic (i mean, why else was i created as consciousness in this flesh and blood body if i don't fully utilise its senses for pleasure right). subsequently, i began doing a shit ton of other drugs because it was then i realised there were totally unimaginable realms of pleasure u could never achieve via natural means. NEVER. and what's even better is when you know what potentiates what, unique substances when synergised create entirely novel sensations.
to this day, my personal view on drugs is that party drugs are generally fine because chemically, they are self-limiting and it's generally harder for addiction to develop (but of course i am not speaking in absolutes). additionally, the intention is also usually to have fun, no feeding of negative self-image or intention of self-harm. so for 8 years, i was such a user, yet i excelled in school, led a very healthy lifestyle (ate very clean and exercised, took vitamins daily, the works) on top of helming two successful businesses. i was a copywriter and of course as u guys know, a domme. i took a lot of pride in my work as i sincerely enjoyed what i was doing. another thing i loved was that i wasn't just adding value to my clients/subs, but also these were platforms that could benefit my friends too (roxy's bad girls club, and sometimes i'd introduce buddies starting out in the creative industry to my customers and we'd collaborate on a project together, get their portfolio rolling, etc).
then, covid happened and everything went to hell. well, i won't solely blame lockdown, since no situation ever happens just because of one thing. i won't go into details but that's when i got heavily addicted to heroin and other opiates. for 2 years i could not go a day without either heroin, oxycodone or fentanyl. simultaneously, my mental health was deteriorating at breakneck speed too. it was a bad time for me, however in retrospect i am also now able to pinpoint the many underlying supporting factors that also led up to this shitshow.
then, as with most addicts, i got arrrested. when you're an addict, your life centres around using. u become so desperate for your fix (especially when you're in withdrawal) that u become so indiscriminate in your sourcing and safety/discernment automatically takes the backseat.
however i'd still like to disclaim that i never once let my issues affect the delivery or quality of my work nor was i high during any sessions. i never put anyone in harm's way. this was a principle i still held on to.
so, DRC1 in a nutshell was extremely traumatic. not because of getting arrested per se, but i was treated very inhumanely at the start (verified via comparing this with other inmates' experiences and even the process of my second incarceration). while inside, i was also incredibly unrepentant because to me, i was a contributing member of society (not just as a proficient worker but i was also involved in social work and other things) so fuck this shit. other things i found out that happened in my absence was also extremely heartbreaking and i could not stomach all the betrayal, although i was also very thankful for those who stood up for me and had my interests at heart when i was voiceless.
when i was released, i relapsed very quickly because i was still so incredibly hurt by being stabbed in the back by someone i loved very much at the time, my partner of 9 years and i breaking up (however we are still extremely close and i do think it's much better we are good friends now rather than lovers), and putting my family through all that stress. everything came at once and it was too much for me to bear, in addition to the traumatic stuff that transpired at the start of DRC1. it also wasn't that i had nobody to talk to because my social support is actually really strong, but i just didn't want to address all that pain.
so of course i went back to heroin almost immediately.
other than being addicted, things slowly began to look up. despite being on drugs all the time to shut out my emotions, i finished my program without a hitch and i got my freedom back. the friendship between my ex and i was developing at a pleasant pace, i had a new dungeon, i had cut off all the toxic people in my life and was bonding with new, better people while maintaining the previous edifying friendships i also had. however, the fundamental issues were not resolved and i was still blocking them out with whatever i could get my hands on that had recreational value.
to disclaim again, i never put anyone in harm's way-- i never dommed while high, never left traces of my use inconspicuously nor did i introduce anyone to the shit i was doing. close to nobody knew that i was slowly cremating my core, that i was numb inside all the time because if not i just couldn't function.
how i got caught the 2nd time was really stupid. i found a way to rig the system, which led me to becoming overconfident when CNB called me down for a surprise test. most people would have taken MC and waited for their system to clear, but i was complacent. which they then found out by fluke that i was actually messing with their tests. compared to the first time, the cops were really nice though. shoutout to bedok station for your 5 star service!!!
so that's how DRC2 happened, however this time round, my mindset was very different. i truly wanted to heal and understand what the actual fuck was wrong with me. i missed my dungeon badly (digressing a bit but i had to return it to the landlord bc i couldn't renew the lease and it won't make financial sense to, however lexi is the rel mvp she took care of EVERYTHING for me even though we were already exes and she wasn't obliged to).
while i was inside the second round, i got a job painting greeting cards which was very nice because before drugs, art was my everything. it felt like i was reconnecting with a very real part of myself and it was therapeutic of course. that, plus i stuck strictly to a routine of meditating every day for months, and sometimes i could be immersed in it for hours. my self-esteem recovered not just from having my artistic abilities praised but also being able to practice being the 'me i wanted to be' at work since I could interact with others.
some of my works!!! the coloured ones are watercolour done during spare time at work, the blue/black ones are freehand with pen. catch the kink references, hehe.
prior to this, when i was still outside, i didn't realise that i was beginning to detest myself because i was reacting so much to all the negativity around me. hence, deep down i didn't like the person i was becoming as i was holding on to a lot of hatred and anger subconsciously. i did not like the thoughts i was having, the words i said out of bitterness, things i did. i was losing myself and i wasn't even privy to that or maybe i didn't care as i was just in a haze all the time.
meditating also helped in the following ways:
being suddenly thrust into a totally polarised environment and reflecting on this made me hyperaware of the parts of me that were necessary for blending in with society, and the parts of me that stayed with me regardless. i became very sure of myself and i think that i found a lot of security in that, knowing who i was and the values i had which were independent of where i was or what role i was playing. basically, comparing and contrasting the me outside and inside, seeking out the similarities and differences.
learning how to become incredibly present in the eternal now. there were times i entered this headspace where i was pure consciousness unfettered by my past or future, that every moment in time actually held infinite possibilities, we could choose who we wanted to be and change that at any given moment, no punishing ourselves over shit that's already occurred or worrying about what tomorrow holds because while u think u can't (due to attachment) we are actually able to accept anything and everything that could happen. it's always now o'clock!
realising that true control is when expectations only serve to guide u and not faze u when things go otherwise.
your emotions are not u, u are simply a channel wonderfully made to be able to experience the colours of the human experience, but at the end of the day, it's like walking out of a movie theatre after a rly good show and empathising with the main character. THEY ARE NOT YOU.
true power is in the space between an incident and your reaction towards it. how u choose to respond makes all the difference. in most cases i realised i actually didn't even need to react to most things, in contrast to how when i was outside i was so reactive which wasn't even necessary!
it was kinda nice because i also did make some pretty cool friends i could connect with inside, two of them were also inspired to meditate because they saw the benefits i was reaping from it, haha.
fun fact: i am also formally recognised by prison as hindu because i decided to go for religious counselling and why i put hinduism was because i wanted to learn more about their beliefs. despite being a free thinker, the concept of samsara, dharma, karma n reincarnation have always interested me. there are so many parallels to buddhism as its also built on these concepts, however i have buddhist relatives who can probably explain these to me in-depth but no hindu relatives so i decided to find out more on my own then assess their similarities and differences.
so i could put it such that DRC2 was mainly art therapy, reading, meditation, nice conversations, self-reflection n spirituality. it's basically state sponsored vipasanna on level 5000 difficulty, HAHA.
post-DRC2 i am ok! much happier now n tbh i haven't felt this sense of contentment in years. my friends are awesome n i'm bridging the gaps with my parents via going for family counselling, which helps a lot. i am now working a corporate 9-6 job doing content creation and business development for a very understanding company, well i do like it there not just so i can go out on weekends (for us we have to be gainfully employed or we can't go out for leisure, it's an incentive i guess?), but i also am seeing this as an opportunity to learn how to work with others since i've always just been flying solo in terms of work. and also, when i go back to being self-employed again, transfer the ability on how to keep to an organised schedule with an ideal work-life balance with some disicipline in tow.
thus for domming-- i thought of only doing so when my tag's off, but damn some long term subs, or subs i've bonded with have been msging me asking me to come back, and it's rly heartening that in the poll i put up, out of a sample size of 99 people, 88% said i should return to kink :')))) while i obviously cannot domme freely now due to all these restrictions n commitments, i will definitely see what i can do.
after all, it's what i love and this is not something i ever see myself permamently quitting. thank u for letting me in, thank u for letting me understand u n deeming me safe enough to show me your darkness n vulnerabilities, thank u.
only love
roxy ruthless
14/12/23
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